My Immortal - A Very English Commentary
by LittleEnglishLass
Summary: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. In front of you lies an arduous trek through the depths of madness, you walk a path upon which many poor souls have fallen, their bodies cast upon the ground. Steel thy heart, brave traveller. I believe in you. Welcome to My Immortal, I shall be your guide.
1. I Can Tell You Shop at Hot Topic

_**Why?**_** I hear you call.**

**Quite simply, I am a bored writer with no inspiration for her current works, who found several of these commentary things quite funny. Thus, she decided to do one of her own. Even if she isn't very funny…so sue me. (Haha, 'Sue' me…)**

**So, without further ado, here are my thoughts on 'My Immortal', the most famous fanfic of all time. I've tried to keep them as close to my first impressions as I can physically remember, as it was a few years ago I first discovered it. Personally, I have a love-hate relationship with the thing. No matter how much I read it, I still find it funny. **

**Enjoy. **

**Oh yeah, while I remember. I. DID. NOT. WRITE. THE. ORIGINAL. FIC.**

**My name is Zoe, not Tara. I am not a 'goff', and nor have I ever been. I do not have a friend called 'Raven'. I just thought I'd make that clear, since there's always **_**someone **_**who can't seem to get their heads around this fact. Got it? Good.**

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**My Immortal- A Very English Commentary **

**Chapter One - I Can Tell You Shop at Hot Topic**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)** Sadly, yes. ** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Then why would you write 'GF'? Is this another American thing I'm not aware of? **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **I'd really hate to see the unedited version of this crap. **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

**Oh boy…**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **– (Is this how Goffs separate text?)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(HAHAHAHA!) **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips** (That sounds horrible.)** that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(And the award for Most Overused and Illogical Description goes to…) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(The derpy-looking-but-still-oddly-pretty woman who has a really nice voice? I guess I'm staying then…damn.)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.** (HURRAY! INCEST! Ugh…)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(But do you sparkle? Bro, do you even Twilight?) **I have pale white skin. **(Yes, we know. You're a vampire, remember?)** I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(*ahem Scotland ahem*)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. **(Naw, really?! I'd never have guessed.)**

I love Hot Topic **(I CAN TELL THAT YOU, THAT YOU SHOP AT HOT TOPIC! Look, I tied the title in with the text. Aren't I a clever author?) **and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing **(YAWWWWWWWWWWN!) **a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **(Hope you're ready for some serious blisters-oh wait, what am I saying? Sues don't get blisters. Ignore me.) **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(So…basically you looked like a six year old who got into their emo sister's makeup kit?)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining** (It's called sleet. We're very familiar with the stuff in England.)** so there was no sun, **(THERE IS STILL SUNLIGHT WITH SLEET! There is still sunlight on overcast days! If there was no sun, it would be night! ARGH! *has Twilight flashback* THE STUPIDITY, IT BURNS!) **which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. **(Because you look stupid.)** I put up my middle finger at them. **(LE GASP! What a badass! What'cha gunna do next, stick out your tongue? That'll show 'em.) **

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….**(DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUN!) **Draco Malfoy! **(The mother of all twists.)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked. **(The sky. **

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(DRACO DID SOMETHING SHYLY?! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Best. Sentence. Ever.)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? **(NO.)** PLZ tell me fangz! **(Fangs. There you go.)**

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**Well there we go, my first attempt at poking fun at this amazing rubbish. Though, in my defence, there isn't really too much to work with in the first 'chapta'. Things get funnier as the story progresses. **

**Review, flame…tell me a story about your cats, whatever you want. :) **


	2. Too Goffik For Tea

**Another update in the same day. This is what happens when Zoe gets bored and has no inspiration. Meh, whatever. I'm having fun with this. **

**Enjoy.**

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**My Immortal - A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Two - Too Goffik for Tea**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(Raven, I applaud you for helping out your friend like this, but sometimes honestly is the best policy.) **BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX – **(So, this is the Satanist remix?)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.** (In England, we wake up in Buckingham Palace and have breakfast with the Queen.)** It was snowing and raining again. **(SLEET!) **I opened the door **(*ahem* I think you mean, the lid.)** of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(Queenie and I prefer tea.) **My coffin was black ebony** (Is there any other sort of ebony?)** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **(Sounds like the underwear of the average Chav.) **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **(I use pyjamas for pyjamas, but I guess that's just me.) **Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots **(Again, good luck with those blisters.) **and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **(Well yes, I would hope your ears were pierced BEFORE you stuck a silly amount of earrings in them.)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(Least goffik hairstyle ever.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks **(That's a bad combo for hair. She'd look like a reject from My Little Pony.) **and opened her forest-green eyes. **(So, she woke up…and THEN opened her eyes?! It must be a goffik thing, because I can't do that.) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(Nobody cares…)**

"OMFG **(So, that would be pronounced 'Ohmmfuhguh'.)**, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(They said, like, three words to each other!)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Honey, vampires can't blush. Unless in the Harry Potter universe they can, which means they have to have some form of bloodflow, which is very interesting. SOMEBODY, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME MYTHOLOGY!)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(Now, I'm no expert in the Hogwarts layout, but I'm pretty sure the Slytherin common room isn't close enough to the Great Hall for the journey to last a mere sentence. Maybe they used their magic goffik powrz to teleport or something.)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(And then, every head that had previously been focused upon their breakfast turned and looked curiously at the barely attired girl screeching like a disturbed banshee in the doorway.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(Speak of the devil, and he shall arrive. That's a funny saying, isn't it? Lucifer must have had amazing timing.)**

"Hi." he said. **(I am no expert when it comes to Harry Potter, but even I know Draco probably wouldn't say 'Hi'…but then again, considering the context of this fic, he probably would.)**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(How? Did you stick your chest out while sucking a lollipop?)**

"Guess what." he said. **(He's too goffik for question marks.)**

"What?" I asked. **(What a riveting conversation. This relationship is off to a fantastic start.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Isn't there a wizarding band called the 'Weird Sisters' or something? Pretty sure they'd be the only band playing in a wizarding village.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(*resisting urge to add a 'u' into 'favourite'*)**

"Well….do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(No. You're a prat.)**

I gasped.

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**There you go, my second attempt at being funny. :D There was more to work with here, so I think I may have managed it. **

**IF U DON LIK IT UR A PREP!111**


	3. Poor, Poor Draco

**Bored again. I hath taken the liberty of spacing some of the ridiculous size paragraphs of the original fic, mainly because it's very irritating to see the huge chunks of text and also because they're hard to read. **

**So…anyone else needing eyeball bleach after watching the trailer for the new TMNT film? Megan Fox (or as I call her, Trout Pout) as April? A white dude as Oroku Saki? WTF kind of drugs were they on when they cast this thing?! And those turtle designs, UGH! Since when do turtles have noses and lips? Since when were the Hamato Brothers built like steamtrains on steroids? Must Bay destroy every aspect of my childhood? I could forgive him for Transformers, because I actually enjoyed the films for the most part, but he needs to stick to his trademark plotless action films and step away from the gooey ninja goodness of TMNT. I know he's only producing the film, but nobody can deny that the trailer REEKS of his trademark "HUR DUR EXPLOSIONS AND BOOBS LEL". *heavy sigh* I guess this is another film I'm avoiding entirely. I've already decided I'm staying well away from Transformers 4 (it has the silliest plot idea ever), I just can't deal with another gut punch to the childhood. **

**Alright, my rant is over. Suffice to say, I am not a happy bunny.**

**Enjoy, or whatever. :)**

* * *

**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Three – Poor, poor Draco**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize **(Haha, 'odderwize'…) **fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(WAIT, TIMEOUT! People actually gave this fic GOOD reviews?! Does anyone have screenshots of this shit?) **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX– **(So, we're back to the original line break then?)**

On the night of the concert I put on **(Here we go again…)** my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **(Tara really has a fishnet fetish doesn't she? Keep her away from the Fisherman's Markets for the love of god!)** Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(Enoby should become a hairdresser.) **I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(Why would you possibly be depressed? You're going on a date with a guy you apparently like, and you're going to see a band you love perform. I don't think Tara understands what depression is.) **I

read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **(She's so casual about it. Does she have no pain sensors in her wrists or something?) **I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **(So I would look like an emo prostitute who got smacked around by her pimp.) **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(Uh huh, so why'd you do it in the previous chapters?)** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**(Did…did you at least put a bandage on your wrist? You know, the one you just SLICED OPEN! Unless you've got mad vampy healing powrz, in which case that would make sense…wait, why am I even questioning this fic!? NONE of it makes sense!)**

I went outside. **(Tara is so descriptive :3) **

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Ah, so THAT'S where Mr Weasley's car went.) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Cool? Could be. Gay? More than likely.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(You seem pretty happy for someone who's supposed to be depressed.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(Aw, I thought I'd solved the mystery of the missing Ford Anglia.) **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(2edgy4me.) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

**(I really don't care; it sounds like a really stupid song anyway.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung **(Wait, who's singing again? This Joel guy or Draco?)**, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(*sigh* What has Tara done to you, Draco?)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **(And Draco didn't hear me because we were right at the front of a damn concert!)** Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(Well done, clever girl.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

**(NO! SENSITIVE!DRACO IS THE WORST KIND! SO OOC, IT ALMOST HURTS! And…wait, weren't they in a mosh pit? Shouldn't they have both been trampled underfoot by now?)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Faces can be blonde? Maybe if you're covered in fur. Is Hilary a Khajiit? Awesome.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. **(Oh what, did you use your mad vampy pwrz to read his mind and find that out?)** After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz **(Should Draco really be driving if he's THAT drunk?)**, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts **(Good god, you spelt the name correctly! Give the girl a prize!)**, instead he drove the car into… **(I don't even want to know how many periods this is…) **the Forbidden Forest!

**(*insert Markiplier DOING DARN DAN DAAAAAN here*)**

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**Meh, still bored. I'll probably end up updating a few more times today.**


	4. Thingies and You Know Whats

**Hey look! AN UPDATE! :D Aren't I nice to you lot?**

**Enjoy my ramblings.**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Four – Thingies and You Know Whats**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(So, it's 'Enoby'? Good to know.) **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!** (Haha. No…no no no no NO! NO!)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX – **(So, we're going for the Satanist remix again?)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **(He then fell to his death, the remains of his head cast upon the ground. His brain painted a macabre Picasso on his silvery-blonde hair, the emerald grass blades beneath his broken body were stained with the shining crimson paint of his lifeblood.) **I walked out of it too, curiously. **(Whereupon I suffered the same unfortunate fate, having not the braincells to realise my hapless boyfriend had failed to land the car. Slenderman, who had been cheerfully been minding his own business just moments before, shook his head in disbelief in the background.)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(EGAD! You're still alive?! What foul and villainous whitchcraft be this?)**

"Ebony?" he asked. **(It's ENOBY! GOD Draco, it's not that hard!)**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close **(Hold it right there you young scallywag, respect this thing called 'Personal Space') **and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(This lack of a 'U' in the American alphabet bothers me more than it should.) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then…suddenly just as I **(Just as you what?) **Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.** (Wait, I thought he was on top of you!? Is the tree uprooted? That **_**cannot **_**be comfortable in any sense of the word!)** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(Bras count as clothes, honey.) **

**(WARNING: Silliest/best description of sex ever dead ahead.)**

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

***writer is currently making retarded seal/whale hybrid sounds***

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **(YOU HAVE NO BLOODFLOW! YOU CAN'T 'GET WARM'…ARGH!) **And then….

**(Are you ready for the BEST reveal/dialogue combo in the history of Fanfiction?)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHAFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

**(I wish 'Ol Dumbles was like this in the books…that would've made a very interesting showdown between him and Fudge.)**

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**Well, there's the first of many terrible smut chapters held within this masterpiece of a fanfic. I'll be offering free brain bleach at the end of each one for all you dear, precious readers.**

***sets up Brain Bleach stand***

**Peace!**


	5. Confessions of a Goffaholic

**ANOTHER UPDATE! :D Why? Because I have nothing better to do.**

**I'm writing this while waiting for my pizza and chips to be cooked, and my stomach keeps growling at me every few minutes. Favourite types of pizza anyone? Mine is spicy meat feast with extra pork, though I wouldn't say no a triple cheese one either. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Five – Confessions of a Goffaholic**

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(No, it just means we have an appreciation of the English language.) **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(I doubt he'd actually care that much about what his students do in their spare time.) **PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

**(We're going to be here a looooooong time then.)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX – **(Seems like she's decided to stick with this one after all.)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **( I am now henceforth making it my life's ambition to yell this at someone while dressed as Dumbles.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(I fail to see the biology of this actually being possible, even if Enoby IS a vampire.)** Draco comforted me. **(No he didn't. He went back to being canon and laughed at you.) **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(I read that in his voice. It was funny.)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Tara, how do you come up with these insults? They're fantastic!)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

**(Ugh, mine eyes doth burn!)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**(I'll have to loudly declare my love for Enoby next time I'm in trouble…)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(Pretty sure the Slytherin Dorms are underneath the castle, but never mind.)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(Draco does NOTHING gently. To ANYONE.)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(You wear heels to bed? Guess I'm not goffik enough for that.) **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(That is…actually kind of insulting. Enoby is supposed to be a vampire, so she's technically classed as a member of the Undead.)**

I was so flattered **(Oh, I wish love.)**, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **(He's a boy, he wouldn't be able to get into the girls dorm.) **We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

* * *

**Well, at least there wasn't any horrible smut this chapter. We should be thankful for that at least.**


	6. The Emo Who Wished He Hadn't Lived

**I'm finding myself rather enjoying this commentary lark. It's becoming rather fun.**

**Enjoy, my beautiful little goffiks. ;)**

* * *

**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Six – The Emo Who Wished He Hadn't Lived**

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**(Oh dear, someone's feeling a bit parky today.)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on **(It's as though she actually expects us to care.) **a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **(Does anyone know what happened to the school uniform around here?) **I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

***spits out tea* **

**(Friggin' 'ell love! Did you say spray paint?! This bairn thinks she's black as Newgate's knocker!)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula **(Must be imported then, since we don't have that in England.) **cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.** (Does blood come in any other colours? Can I get mine in yellow with sky blue spots?)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(Oh no…)** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(You were going down his face? Why do I have this image of a goffik girl with a "HURR DURR" look slowly sliding down a giant Harry Potter face?) **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(NO, TARA! NO! Leave Harry out of this! HASN'T THE POOR BAIRN SUFFERED ENOUGH?!) **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(Top tip for those across the pond…we English generally do not appreciate our MANY accents being glumped into the _Generic 40's BBC Newscaster_ accent. A Southy is a world away from us Northerners. Try that with certain people over here and you'll get it in the neck. Just a heads up if you fancy a trip.)**

He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **(Daniel Radcliffe looks nothing like this Joel guy.) **He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't gets one you sicko. **(Hey Tara, I hate to be all PC on you, but you actually **_**can**_** be a girl with male appendages. According to my two eternally lovely Trans friends, the period of pre-Surgery and pre-hormone treatment can be extremely difficult to deal with when it comes to physical intimacy. I wish there were more fics out there that dealt with a Trans OCs. I haven't seen any. It's a fascinating and tremendously poignant subject that I personally feel should be put more into the public eye. Anyone know any good ones?)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter ***writer slams her head onto her desk***, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(So, wait, he went from being all shy to grumbling about his new nickname?)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Harry Potter…does not…giggle. And since when is cannibalism acceptable for regular humans? I must have missed that memo.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **(No you're not. You blush, and you bleed. You are a pretend vampire. A real one would do the world a favour and murder you in a quiet corner somewhere. They probably wouldn't feed off you though, I expect you'd taste like spray painted road kill.)**

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(Wait, Tara, do you even know what 'roared' means?)**

**(These adjectives are getting out of hand. Anyone else think Tara simply looked online for synonyms of 'said' and just copied them down?)**

We sat down to talk for a while. **(YEY! FRIENDSHIP!) **Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me **(It's his penis. SURPRISE!) **so I went away with him.

* * *

**Well, that's this chapter over with. It's a really short one with nothing that's too interesting, though I'm sure Tara was very happy with it.**

**While I remember, here are the translations of sayings and words you may not of heard of. I'll probably have to do this in later chapters. Feel free to use them on friends and family. **

**Friggin' 'ell **

It's just like 'bloody hell' or 'flaming hells fire'. It's just another way of saying it.

**Bairn**

This means 'child' or 'baby' depending on the situation. Pronounced as 'bearn' (bear-n).

**Black as Newgate's knocker**

An all-inclusive saying that basically means whatever you're referring too means trouble. "Look, the clouds are as black as Newgate's knocker!" would translate to, "There's probably going to be a bad storm soon, judging from those clouds." And "She thinks she's black as Newgate's knocker!" would mean, "Well doesn't she think she's badass." _(Newgate was a very famous prison down London way. Its knocker was considered bad luck, and it was believed that using it meant you were doomed for all eternity. The prison had such a reputation that almost all around the country has a form of this saying, though some versions may no longer be in use in certain regions.)_

**Get it in the neck**

To be in trouble or to be punished. The saying harkens back to the days of public executions by beheading. 'Getting it in the neck' meant the person was going to have their head separated from their body.

**Hope you enjoyed!**


	7. Please DON'T Bring Her To Life

**Again, boredom hath beckoned me towards this. I suppose I can't complain, since I'm actually enjoying commentating upon the masterpiece that is My Immortal.**

**I apologise for the random Spiderman references in this. I recently unearthed my copies of the original films, and fell in love with the hero I had wanted to be since I was a kid once more. Toby Maguire represents Peter better than any other actor can, simply because he CAN play awkward and dorky but still make it strangely adorable and sweet. That's Peter Parker in a nutshell. The new guy is surprisingly good, but he was obviously picked for the eye candy rather than his ability to mimic the character. The sad thing is, I'd probably enjoy him as Peter a lot more if the reboots weren't so fucking stupid. Pardon my French, but they're terrible when it comes to the plot. *SPOILERS BY THE WAY* Good thing they killed Gwen Stacy off. It was an act of mercy for her poor, tortured character really. Yet another perfectly good character ruined by Obligatory Irritating Love Interest Syndrome. I'm avoiding the next film like the plague. I don't want to see what they'll do to Mary Jane. *shudder***

**Anyway, enjoy.**

* * *

**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Seven – Please DON'T Bring Her to Life**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life ***sigh***

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(Wait, what?!) **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(I DO WHAT I WANT!) *puts on horned helmet and sulks in the corner* **Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(Yep, sounds like a Mary Sue to me!)**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.** (Since we've already learned the Slytherin Dorms have been moved to an upstairs location in this fic, I have to ask, don't you lot have classes to go to?)** I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **(Her nail colour changed magically from black to red, so…yes.)** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(Either that, or he suddenly realised Tara had turned him into a generic emo.) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

**WARNING; Another ridiculously stupid smut scene coming right up! Industrial strength Brain Bleach will be available for free at the end of the chapter, courtesy of Your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman. (Let me dream guys, let me dream…)**

We started frenching passively **(Why do I imagine Enoby and Draco speaking French with bored expressions? "Eh, bonjour.") **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **(OUCH! That cannot be comfortable.)** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine.

***the retarded seal/whale sounds hath returned*** **(He put his 'boy-thingy' in Enoby's 'boy-thingy'? Pretty sure that's called 'docking' dear. A certain gay friend of mine informs me of such concepts periodically. He thinks it's important I know these things. Can't complain really, as the explanation is always accompanied by a hilarious story of yet another humorous failure in the bedroom department. He's currently writing a book detailing every single one. He's calling it _'Fifty Shades of Dane'_. I've read a bit of it, and it honestly had me on the floor in tears of laughter.)**

And we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(Yes, but it's also hilarious, so carry on!)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting **(Having, not getting.) **an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(How could you have never seen it before?! AGH! HOW DO I LOGIC?!) **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry. **(Of course you were...)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"** (WOAH THERE! That's quite homophobic, since you're implying that he has AIDS because he slept with another male. Not cool Tara, not cool **_**at all**_**.)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **(Like the immature child you truly are. Why don't you go drink some milk and play with your building blocks?) **Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **(So…why'd you mention it then?)** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(But those other people aren't important because they're not sleeping with or want to sleep with Enoby, right?)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(His. Name. Is. HARRY.)**

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**And thus ends another work of art. :D**

**Ladies and Gents, take your brain bleach, goodness knows you need it. *swings away on web***


	8. You Dense Motherflucker!

**Another update from Your Friendly Neighbourhood LittleEnglishLass! :D Because why not! **

**Enjoy!**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Eight – You Dense Motherflucker!**

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!** (To quote the good sir Cryaotic on his own hilarious dramatic reading of this fic; "What the fuck is 'flassing'?") **

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Everyone in the class stared at me **(Yup, I'd imagine they would do. I doubt even Hogwarts often sees scantily clad emo chicks with silly hair bursting into classrooms and yelling gibberish.)** and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(That's some dedication. I mean, seriously!)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(Hmm, I **_**guess **_**you can scream sadly. Most people would describe it as 'a cry of anguish' or something.)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **(She means Hermione by the way.)** smiled at me understatedly. **(She smiled at you sarcastically?)** She flipped her long waste ***giggles***-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **(She looked at you, smiled, flipped her hair and THEN opened her eyes? Why where they closed? Wasn't she in class? What's going on? HOW DO I LOGIC?!)** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(POINTLESS! That's like a dark-skinned person wearing dark makeup to make them look darker.)**

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **(Not possible. One, vampires can't even do the deed that results in children unless the universe dictates they have some sort of bloodflow. Two, they're already half-dead. Killing one would be very difficult indeed. Suicide would be even harder.) **She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(I thought this all happened when she was a baby? Do vampire babies have exceptional memory?) **It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **(WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!)** Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **(Everyone in Slytherin is a Satanist? Somehow I don't see that happening.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **(I have no idea, thou cream faced, addle-brained Spanish purse! Thou dull-witted cox-comb, born of a flea-bitten mongrel bitch!) **Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(So…you were with Harry then? I thought you were shagging Draco?)**

Everyone gasped. **(Of course they did.)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(Wait…who's talking?!)** I had went out with Vampire **(Oh, it's Emo Draco.) **(I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(Why do I get the strangest feeling that this 'Britney' represents someone Tara knows?) **We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. Haha, like I would hang out with a prep**(HOLD EVERYTHING! Since Draco has this tattoo saying 'Vampire', this would mean Harry was goffik BEFORE he broke up with Draco. So…I once again find myself confused and angry.)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" **(Me no like you no more. Me ignore your perfectly reasonable explanation to be all huffy.** **Me on super-mega-ultra-period or something. Me an Emo!Sue.) **I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(Virility. Wide range of masculine characteristics viewed positively. Confused is the commentator.) **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **(How does one be smashed or broken into tears exactly?)**

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**I think I need to stop. :D I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to 'fix' this fanfic as best I can. **

**Hope you enjoyed, stay tuned for more random comments! *web-swings away into the glorious sunset***


	9. The Great Deku Voldemort

**Your Friendly Neighbourhood LittleEnglishLass has no crime to fight today. I live in a small village too, so I can't even go web-swinging properly. Thus, another update. ^_^**

**Haha, Mary-Sue _(welcome to my fabulous domain by the way, we have pizza and Death by Chocolate cake),_ I have indeed read a bit of that My Inner Life. Awful, just awful. I'm not even a massive Zelda fan, and even **_**I**_** could pick out what was wrong with it. I gave up after a few chapters. Glad you're enjoying my inane ramblings as much as I am. :D It's turning out to be rather fun.**

**ENJOY!**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Nine - The Great Deku Voldemort**

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **(I seriously doubt you have ever read a book. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed. ) **dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **(I only watched the first two films, but I can honestly say, hand on heart; they would have been much improved if Ol' Dumbles was a foul mouthed old goff dude.) **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **(HAHA! SNAP! SNAP USED TO LICK HARRY! That's probably a thing. I'm going to Google it.) **MCR ROX!

**(I prefer Ninja Sex Party, Danny and Brian are fantastic. They sing about hard-hitting stuff. Like sandwiches, fighting karate bears and dragon slaying to impress a girl, why dinosaurs are awesome…or unicorn wizards. Check them out, you won't regret it.)**

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(Oh, I have nothing to say about this.)**

Then all of a suddenly, **(All of a suddenly. I love it.) **an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! **(He can fly.) **He didn't have a nose **(We established this in the last sentence.)** (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.** (Voldy is the most gothic character in HP.)** It was… Voldemort! **(So…it's like Voldemort…but Voldemort?)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **(I never can remember all the spells in HP, but doesn't that one fix glasses or something?)**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. ***the whale/seal sounds are back* (SHE THREW HERMY'S CAT AT VOLDY!) **Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(You're not a very **_**good **_**sadist then.)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(Why can't he do it? Why is he asking Enoby? How did he know Enoby was in the Forbidden Forest? Why is he calling Harry by a stupid nickname? Why is he talking like the Great Deku Tree? HOW DO I LOGIC?!)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **(Daniel Radcliffe looks nothing like this Joel dude. Good thing too, that Joel guy looks like he'd take my wallet if I got too close. No offence meant, he's probably a perfectly likeable dude.) **I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

**(WHY ARE YOU ONLY JUST REALISING THIS! THEY LITERALLY SPELLED THIS OUT FOR YOU IN THE LAST CHAPTER! WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN CONFRONTED WITH **_**VOLDEMORT**_**!?)**

**(WHY AM I EVEN QUESTIONING THIS CRAP?!)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **(Is it a magic gun?) **"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

***sigh* (So…let me get this straight. Voldy wants some random emo chick he found in the woods to kill his greatest enemy with a non-magical weapon, even though he could very easily go do it since according to cannon, right now he is basically in charge of the school. If she doesn't do it, he'll go kill Harry anyway and then kill her boyfriend, the son of a valuable member of his group. Guys…I think Voldy has officially lost it. I mean, he **_**is **_**getting on a bit, so it's understandable. You wanna call St Mungo's or should I?)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. ***commentator splutters into hysterical laughter* **"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **(Okay, so you can move objects with your mind. You didn't answer the question.)** "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(VOLDY! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! St Mungo's has a bed all ready for you, and you shouldn't be driving in your current condition!)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(BOOM! Convenient Character To Move Along The 'Plot'.) **

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(Sadly, yes, I do get it. She's a 'satanist' so she won't say the word cross, even though she's said it several times before.) **between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(The guy who plays Draco looks absolutely NOTHING like either of those guys.)**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(Enoby 'expelled' words? How does one accomplish this feat?)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**(Watch out for the Womping Willow-*SLAM THWAP THUMP*-nevermind.)**

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**Well, there we go. We managed to survive another chapter of this junk! YOU GO GLEN COCO!**

**I'm hungry, but I really can't be arsed to move. Eh…**


	10. DIABOLO!

**This is a very special chapter. For within the twisted realms of madness, there lies a hilarious inside joke often shared between a friend and me. It has become such a wondrously funny theme that we have decided to write a parody fic based upon it. One day we shall get around to it. **

**ENJOY!**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Ten – DIABOLO!**

AN: stup it u gay fags** *tea and Victoria Sponge goes everywhere* EXCUSE ME?! There is absolutely NO call for that kind of language young lady! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE! **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

**(Translation, anyone? I think she said something about Hermy and a vampire moving houses because the muggle ones are evil. I have to say, it's very nice to see the general cooperation between species these days. Looks like Hermy's ideas are really paying off! We should pay more attention to this SPEW thing she's got going.)**

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **(I wouldn't be. The old codger is currently standing in Sainsbury's and smiling at the cheese. Oh no, sorry, that would be Voldemort. I don't know who this Vlodemort is actually. He sounds Russian. I'd invest in some bodyguards just in case.)** I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **(That is the stupidest band name ever.) **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **(Of course you are…Sues always are.) **People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(That would honestly sound terrible. All those disconnected styles and clashing genres…*shudder*)**

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo ***splutters into uncontrollable laughter* **now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. **(I can see that actually. Hagger would be great in a metal band. He's got the wild hair and the deep voice, all he needs now is some makeup and a guitar!)**

**(However…I feel like I should explain why I find 'Diabolo' so funny. Now, it may not seem massively amusing to those outside my social circle, but I assure you, to us it is comedic genius. One lazy day in college, we found ourselves listening to "Cry and Friends Read: My Immortal" on Youtube. Needless to say, it was hilarious. Now, the 'Diabolo' misspell is funny in itself, but it becomes side-splittingly funny when you consider the fact that a book series I recently got my friend into (it's called Vampirates by the way, by Justin Somper. Amazing storyline and fantastic characters) contains a pirate ship called 'The Diablo' within its marvellous pages. Soon, we found ourselves forgetting our work and instead thinking of ways to parody the series with My Immortal references. Some of the results had us rolling around on the floor. )**

**(Now you know, though I doubt you found it as funny as we did, unless you happen to be a fan of the series. WHICH YOU SHOULD BE! Go read that instead of this. :D Seriously, you won't regret a moment of it.)**

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too **(NO HE ISN'T!) **and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **(You just did, Einsteinette.) **or a steak)**(I think you'd have an extremely confused vampire on your hands if you hit them with a T-Bone. A real one would probably shove it down your throat. Unless they were the unendingly sweet Lorcan from Vampirates...then he'd be more likely to either laugh nervously and back away or just simply back away.)** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(That is not a depressing film. Bittersweet, yes. Depressing, no.) **

I put on a **(NOBODY CARES WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS ARE WEARING UNLESS IT IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!)** black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

**(See, it's these blatantly contradictory sentences that really make me wonder if Tara was actually being serious or not with this fic. My gut says she was serious, but perhaps Raven had some more sense and slipped a few sarcastic comments in during the edit. Oh and by the way, we've already established that Enoby was a virgin before she slept with Draco. We know she isn't a 'slut' in any sense of the word. And besides that fact, enough with the women shaming going on around this site! It's beginning to grate on me. You're not helping yourself gain equality by shaming or demonising any sexually active female characters! STOP!)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(Again with the 'bust' thing!) **

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **(She determinedly asked you what was wrong? Fair enough. Maybe she noticed Enoby was distressed but didn't say anything until she knew for sure?)**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **("Gee, thanks. I only asked you what was wrong. Fuck you!" would be my response.) **And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came***giggle*** and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **(That has to be the single longest line of dialogue in this entire fic. And **_**again**_** with that 'bust' thing…)**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(He was behind a wall?)**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(He **_**did **_**say muggle, I'll give you that. But as for everything else…yes. Completely OOC. 1/10 points.)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. **(NO! WRONG!)** Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. **(What a considerate girlfriend you are.) **Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.** *sigh***

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **(How the FUCK!? IS HE YODA?! I bet Yoda could pull that off. I like Yoda. :3) **(c dats basically nut swering **(IT'S NOT SWEARING AT ALL!) **and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

***slowly puts hand up* **

**(Good sirs and madams, if I may have the attention of the court? Thank you. I bring to your attention, a piece of evidence regarding this apparent character suicide case which I think you will all find **_**particularly **_**interesting. *ahem*) **_"…Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too…"_

**(Your honour, I rest my case.)**

***sits down***

"**Tara, you are henceforth found guilty of the heinous crime known as 'Breaking Continuity'. Normally the sentence would be light, as it is expected that authors may forget certain tidbits throughout the course of their story…but to do it within the same chapter and make it an important…ah…**_**'plot'**_** point? INEXCUSABLE! You will be taken from this place to the gallows forthwith, where you shall be hung by your neck until you are DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!"**

***BANG***

"**LYK OMFG U FKIN POZER!11 CNT U C HO GOFFIK I AM?! CRONTUPITY IZ 4 PREPZ LYK OMFG!11"**

"**Officers, if you would please remove this girl from my sight. Her voice sickens me."**

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**Ladybirds and Jellybeans, thus ends another chapter of madness. BE WARNED! Brave wanderers of these realms, your path grows darker now. The foul, spindly fingers of insanity itch to scratch at you all, and they slink ever closer. Take heed of this warning, my dears, for the next instalment of this wretched saga takes us off the beaten path, and into the stinking marshlands beyond! Steel thy hearts, brave ones. Guard each other as brothers and sisters. **

**Hope you enjoyed! **


	11. WHAT IS GOING ON?

**Be prepared to be bamboozled. This is when My Immortal starts to get **_**really **_**crazy. You thought you'd seen the worst with a swearing Dumbles or an Emo Harry…oh no…trust me, it gets worse from here on out!**

**Enjoy! *web-swings across to the fridge***

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Eleven – WHAT IS GOING ON?!**

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AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! **(Tara, we've had this conversation before. I DO WHAT I WANT!)** c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111** (It is.)** it delz wit rly sris issus!**(Grammar and spelling are 'srs issus', but I don't think you've ever given them much thought.)** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(Well…that's nice of you.)** and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(Uh…no he wouldn't. He'd look like a headmaster concerned over the emotional state of his student having just informed her of her boyfriend's death.)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. **(Quick question Tara, how in the world can you possibly slit **_**both **_**of your wrists at the same time? Biologically speaking, if you sliced one open you simply wouldn't have the strength to do anything with it, let alone use it to cut the **_**other **_**wrist.) **They got all over my clothes so I took them off **(Your wrists got all over your clothes so you took them off? Interesting. Is that a goffik thing or another one of your mad vampy skillz?)** and jumped into the bath **(Bath? Where did the bath come from? Your boyfriend just committed suicide so you go take a bath because reasons? WHATWHYHOW?!) **angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(Did you at LEAST cook it?)**

I was so fucking depressed! **(I gathered.)**

I got out of the bathtub and put on ***fumes slightly* **a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **(Wait, what?) **I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends **(Tara is SO descriptive. :3)**and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it.** (Neither could I. By Irk, that is a LOT of earrings!)**

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **(Muggle equipment doesn't work around magic unless it's especially charmed to do so.)** And Loopin was masticating to it! **(Ah, so he was eating the steak. At least someone uses it properly.)** They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **(But….you….just said you were wearing a dress…)**

Suddenly Vampire ran in. **(Was he just waiting outside the door or something?) **

"Abra Kedavra!" **(ABRACADABRA MOTHAFUKAZ!)** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(He pointed…his WOMB?! I'm so confused right now.) **

I took my gun **(FROM WHERE, DOWN THE PLUG HOLE!?) **and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **(Does Enoby's bathroom just have a 'VISITORS PERMITTED' sign on it or something?)** "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **(Wait, where are we?)**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(Oh god, I've missed a bit when I copy/pasted. I must have. Who's talking? What does Hargrid know? I thought he was the Groundskeeper? How can he run on a broomstick? Why does he have one anyway?)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

**(WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! MY BRAIN HURTS!)**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **(Factors? Wha…I…uh…)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(He doesn't have any factors? OF WHAT?!)**

**(I'm trying to make sense of this, but…I…you know what? SOD IT! This is My Immortal, NOTHING MAKES SENSE!)**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.***commentator imitates elephant and waves hands around happily* (This fic is sending me even more doolally than I already am, I swear.)** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **(Tape? How OLD is this camera?)**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(I wouldn't know pet, and all the vampires I know don't feel faint if they're lacking in the red stuff. They just start acting like they're on their periods. You know, with the general bitchiness and tendency towards violence if provoked too much.) **

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **(Doing WHAT?! Talking?)**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(Um…okay. Seems legit.)**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. **(Hagger doesn't have a wand anymore. He keeps the pieces in an umbrella.) **Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(What?)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **(I don't personally believe in 'Satan', though he sounds like a nice guy from what I know, but being gothic certainly does NOT mean you're a devil worshipper. Just means you like gothic stuff.)**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(And once more, I find myself asking…WHAT IS GOING ON?!)**

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**This is where the fun REALLY starts! **

**Here, have a headache tablet. *holds out packet* You'll probably need them.**


	12. Where Art Thou, Raven?

**Your Friendly Neighbourhood LittleEnglishLass is bored and tired after a long hard slog at college, so she's decided to amuse herself! :D And hopefully, all of you lovely people!**

**ENJOY!**

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**My immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Twelve - Where Art Thou, Raven?**

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AN: stop f,aing ok **(I would if I knew what that was.)** hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **(Oh don't get all high and mighty on my little miss. You just wanted your Sue to have more people drooling over her, that's all.) **how du u no snap iant kristia **(BECAUSE HE'S A WIZARD! CLOSE CASE!)** plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **(No, you clearly wrote Hargrid in the last chapter, and the first part of this AN. Cedric is that creepy kid who was played by that Twilight guy who can't act right? Pretty sure Mouldy Voldy already did the world a favour by killing him a few years before this was set.)**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago **(Drago? Sounds like a cheesy B-grade villain.)** had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **(When did he tell you this? Your relationship up until now has been 'words, fuck, words, fuck again, break up, suicide'. There's nothing about a silver knife in there.)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid **(What's with the random CAPS? This isn't Tumblr.) **but it was Vampire. **(The two sound NOTHING alike.) **He started to scream. "OMFG! **(Again, that would be pronounced "Ohmuhfuhguh".) **NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(His pinks?)**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **(How did he know his own scar hurt?)**

"I saw it! **(You…**_**saw…**_**your scar hurt?) **And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(HOW did you see this happen? It's not exactly within range of your own sight now is it?)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo ***spluttering and gasping for air* **changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(That's probably a ship. I'm going to Google it!)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office **(You mean the Hospital Wing.)** now recovering from my slit wrists. **(When did you do that? WHEN DID YOU GET INTO THE HOSPITAL WING!?) ** Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **(This. Is. Not. TUMBLR!)** were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(So, it's only wrong to molest hot females. Non-hot females and males in general are fair game? Good to know.) **Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera ***chokes with laughter* (Um…Dumbles? I know you're getting on a bit now, but I don't think that's how you use a camera. Aw shit, do I have to call St Mungo's for you too? They still haven't picked up Voldy.)** they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed ***immaturity is god* (Oh dear…you um, want some clean sheets there?) **holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color **(Ugh…why this lack of a 'U'? WHY?!) **pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **(But…wasn't he in your band? Your _gothic _band?)**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."**(Yes they are.)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **(No, they're roses. Trust me, I am from the internet.) **I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(We have established this fact.)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video **(PORN! There, I said it. Ffs.) **made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently. **(He added **_**silently**_**?)**

**(Uh…no, I'm listening…it just takes a while for this degree of language rape to fully compute.)**

**(So, Enoby tells Hairbrush that he did not save her life, he only stopped an indecent video of being taken. Hairbrush then promptly reminds her that she was also technically a victim of sexual assault.)**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

**(Enoby feels angry but also slightly girly about this revelation.)**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

**(Sorry, I honestly can't translate this bit. You're on your own kids!)**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(YOU ARE NOT WISE BY ANY MEANS! Stop, just…no!) **

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"

**(Who else imagined Hairbrush turning off to the side and saying that bit in the brackets in a really girly-giggly voice? By the way, I figured the gobbledygook that kind of has a Japanese sounding bit at the end out. I think it means something like "My Chemical Romance I'm not okay". Yeah, go figure.)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **(Good lord, really?! I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN!) **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(Just because something is black doesn't mean that the person who owns it is not a 'prep'.)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(Yeah Hairbrush, what the flick **_**is **_**a Drako?)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls **(HAHAHA!) *immaturity* **of flame **(GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! Random thought time…I wonder, if such a being even **_**exists**_**, are Satan's balls are made of fire? It's something I'll have to ask him when I finally hop it, because I've been told twice now that I'm going to hell. **_**Good...**_**i****t'll give me the opening I need to follow demons around singing **_**'Your Sex is On Fire'**_**...) **but I could c nothing. **(That's because you're looking into your brain.)**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

**(Hoo boy…)**

**(Guess Raven couldn't help with the story at this bit, huh? We should be so grateful to this Raven chick. Without her, ALL the chapters of My Immortal would look like this. Don't leave, Raven! We need you!)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

**(…what just happened...?)**

**(Come back Raven! Please!)**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a **(NO!) **black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring **(That would be really unattractive.)** (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(Tara, let me let you in on a little secret…EVERYONE AND THEIR GOLDFISH HAS SEEN THE RING! It's not a 'goff' thing.)** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." **(No she doesn't. She looks like an emo prostitute gone AWOL.) **B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) **(We. Get. It.) **you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.** (Again, not actually possible.)** I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. **(HOLD THE PHONE! Classes actually exist in this warped version of Harry Potter?!) **Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **(So much magical magic hair…sparkle friggin' sparkle.)** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

**(So, all in all, a normal Tuesday afternoon.) **

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. ***sigh***

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(Well…okay then. Enoby is so **_**obviously **_**'nut mary su ok'…)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **(You have no idea how much my friends and I use this at college.) **shouted Professor McGoggle **(MacDonald's and Google, together at last.) **who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(Cool, free porn! Then again…it's Enoby and Emo Harry…**_**shudder. **_**I think I'll pass.)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!"**(It takes two to tango little miss, and you weren't exactly refusing.)** I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! **(Ohmuhfuhguh, say it with me now.) **NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(I'm **_**sure **_**I've read this bit before…nah, must just be my imagination…)**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(Wait. This **_**has **_**happened before…WHAT?!)**

"I do but Diabolo ***uncontrollable chortling* **changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**(Uh…what?)**

**(You know something? I've gotten to the point where I don't even question this stuff anymore.)**

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

**(Yeah Raven, you're the one keeping this thing afloat. Without you, chapters like THIS happen.)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

***sigh* (There's just something about this bit…I don't know what it is.)**

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**Thus, another chapter ends. **


	13. It's a No Brainer

**Once more, brave souls, we undertake the perilous task of passing our gazes over this story. **

**Enjoy! *web-swings away looking majestic as fluck***

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Thirteen - It's a No Brainer**

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AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen **(RAVEN! YOU'RE BACK! THANKS BE TO PRIMUS AND PRIMA!)** im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

***puts on horned helmet and flounces away* I DO WHAT I WANT!**

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **(I did NOT need that mental image, thank you very much.s)**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(Heheh, 'despicable snobs' is now one of my favourite insults.)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **(Who's this 'Volsemort' chap? Oh no, not ANOTHER escaped Voldy clone! This is getting silly.)**

He laughed in an evil voice.

**(What follows is so OOC, it's actually quite painful. Read at thine own risk.)**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **(How can you possibly be saying the exact same things at the exact same time?)**

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **(I don't know who this guy is, but I'd very much like my sherbet lemon loving barmy old codger back. Ol' Dumbles is the best headmaster ever. I mean, come on, he hires half-giants and werewolves as teachers. He doesn't deserve this kind of canon rape.)**

Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(Eh, it really depends on WHO they are to be honest, but yeah this is one of the only times Tara and I actually agree on something. Jazz and Prowl? I ship it so hard. They're meant for each other. And they're both pretty damn smokin' hot. What's**_** not**_** to ship?)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. **(No shizz Sherlock.) **He started to cry tears of blood. **(Why?)** Then he had a brainstorm. **(He has a brain?)** "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **(He had one, but now it's gone. This is what happens when you only have a few braincells to rub together.)**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(Uh…there's so much wrong with this sentence, I can't even begin to explain.)**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah **(AHKBAR!) **Kedavra!"

It was….. Voldemort! **(Why was he there? I thought this was Voldemprt's lair. St Mungo's is getting a letter of complaint; since they still haven't picked him up.)**

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**Short, uninteresting chappie here, though again, I'm sure Tara was very proud of it.**


	14. I Hate Enoby

**Zoe is bored once again. :) **

**Enjoy! *web-swings away***

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Fourteen - I Hate Enoby**

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AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen.** (Is it pathetic that I'm starting to dread the times Raven isn't here to help?) ** im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **(Oh, no you didn't. You're not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, little Miss Kiddiewinks.)**

PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **(Tara, if you managed to get famous enough for any god or goddess to get up of their lazy arses and actually prove their existence by reviewing, then I think we'd all have to begin hailing you as some sort of hero.)**

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. **(Scray? I like this word.)**

"**Ah Kelsey, you moronic idiot. You're looking extremely scray this morning!" **

"**Aw! Thanks, you horny simpleton." **

VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **(It is advisable shit yourself while reading this.)**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **(Well of course not! You went to see Volcemort, not Voldemort!)** Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **(Pretty sure it was Voldy who killed Cedric.) **Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. **(Snaketail? Which bastardised HP character is this?) **Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **(Is it Wormtail? I really can't tell.)**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **(I love it. This is my new thing.) **he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **(WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!) ** he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **(Mary Sue pwrz, ACTIVATE!)** "Ebony I love you wil u have sex with me." he said. **(Well…that…was sudden.) **(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(Okay. Seems legit.)**

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard."**(Wait, I thought Enoby was a sadist? She should be turned on by now.)** I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. **(With…the gun?)** Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **(Tara is so descriptive. :3)**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. **(HAHAHAHAHA! Best description of a character death….EVER!)**

I brust into tears sadly. **(Enoby isn't a very good sadist at all, is she?)**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" **(Oh great, here comes the Deku Lord.) **called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! **(I did **_**not **_**need that image, thank you. I've so far managed to successfully stay away from such questionable fics, though I'm sure there's a ton of them if you filter in the name 'Bellatrix'. Oh great, now I'll have ****to Google that.) **We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **(It's sad that this is **_**not **_**the most ridiculous sentence within this fic.) ** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **(But…didn't you teleport there in the first place?)**

We went to my room. Vampire went away. **(What, no; "Gee Harry, thanks so much for figuring out how to teleport into the lair the most wanted man of all time within the space of a few seconds!") **There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco **(I doubt Draco would ever use pet names.) **taking off his clothes so we could screw. **(Geez, and people think **_**men**_** are obsessed with sex.)** He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) ***sigh*** and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **(To quote Blackadder; "Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers.")**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."** (I'm about to slap a bitch. Enoby has to be one of the single most obnoxious Mary Sues of all time.)**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. ***sigh* (ENOUGH with the 'slut' crap already.)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **(But...isn't he dead?)** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **(Um...maybe because your features are decided by the parental genes and not mythological creatures? Might have something to do with it. Blame your parents Enoby. HOLD THE PHONE! Do we actually know anything about Enoby's parents/family?)** I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.

**(I need to go hit a wall or something.)**

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**And thus, another chapter of this beautiful monstrosity ends. **

**Out of interest, what's the worst Sue/Stu any of you have come across? **


	15. Et Viola, Drama!

**What's that sound? Why, tis the sound of updates!**

**Enjoy.**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Fifteen – Et Viola, Drama!**

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AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz!** (You must have a lot of wrists then.)** fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **(No, don't encourage the Sue Drama! Seriously Draco, you guys were doing fine before she showed up. Let her run on back to Sueland where she can angst needlessly with her own kind.)**

But I was too mad. **(Aren't you always?)**

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" **(What does that even mean?) **I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **(No offence to Manson, he's a smart and interesting guy, but I don't think he could ever be described as 'sexy'.)**

I started to cry and weep. **(Those words mean the same thing.)** I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. **(Well, duh. I doubt you'd be doing it because you were happy.) **

**(And this is why I have a problem with Sues. All this pointless drama and angst means absolutely _nothing_ at the end of the day.)**

Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. ***sigh* (Hogwarts does NOT have a Biology class. And anyway, if a magic school did have such a class, then it would just be called science class. In the UK we don't tend to separate the science types, they're all taught in the same class. I wish people would do their bloody research.)**

I put on **(NOBODY CARES!)**a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. **(Your hair was on fire?)**

Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. ***growl*** I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

**(I've been sat here for several minutes trying to figure out what just happened.)**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **(Of course you do. She's a Sue, I expected nothing less from your poor, twisted mess of a character.)** "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **(No, pretty sure she looks like a spray-painted Emo Barbie doll.)** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. ***raises hand* (Um, you **_**did **_**commit suicide…**_**while **_**you were with her.)** Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) **(When was this established?) **right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross **(You mean a pentagram, right?)** between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!).

**(Very well then.) *leaves***

"OMFG."**(One again, "Ohmuhfuhguh.")** I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps **(What's with Tara's obsession with 'preps'? Can anyone explain this?) **stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) **(So…how did you manage to contort your fingers so much? Is this another one of your mad vampy skillz?)** at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **(So, why are you watching a film with her in it? I hate that pathetic excuse for an 'actress' Kristen Stewart, so I refuse to watch anything with her in it.) **and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **(That's not a very goffic film.) **Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **(I'm going to throttle someone.) **Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. **(Well…that sure is convenient. Oh, the joys of being a Sue!) **We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

***sigh***

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**Yet another uneventful chapter. Things start to kick off soon though, so don't worry. **


	16. BAKA!

**Dun dun duuuun! Another update! **

**Laugh of the Week; apparently someone who has nothing better to do with their life has added this story to a completely and utterly ignored community called **_**'Reportable Offence'**_** along with near enough 9,000 other stories (some dating back **_**years**_**, literally, **_**years**_**) that have somehow violated FF's so-called 'rules'. Know something? None of them have been reported or taken down. They're all still there. :D It's such a**_** cute**_** little club! They think people actually give a shit about FF's silly nitpicky rules. Evidently not. **

**They'll forgive me if I **_**don't **_**hold my breath in anticipation. I'm too busy laughing anyway.**

**Hope that got a giggle out of you, if not, then here's another chapter of my very naughty story! Shh, don't tell the Internet Police! ;) They might take drastic measures and send me a polite but slightly passive aggressive private message. **_**Audible Gasp!**_** THE HORROR!**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Sixteen – BAKA!**

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AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **(As far as my research into the word 'prep' tells me, it's a derogatory term applied by anyone who likes to think they're 'non-conformist' to anyone who doesn't follow the 'LOL GOFF ANTI-MAINSTREAM EMO GOFF IM SOOOO UNIQUE AND ORIGINAL LEL' teenage phase. The irony surrounding these 'non-conformists' is delicious.)** raven u suk u fuken bich **(OOOH! A DEVELOPMENT! It comes to something when the author notes are more interesting than the story itself.) **gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **(Oh no…that means Raven didn't help…*screams*) **BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

**(Oh dear. If she can't even speak English properly, there's no hope for the Japanese.) **

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We ran happily to Hogsmede. **(That's not very 'goff' is it?) **There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. **(I swear, this is the only song Tara even knows.) **I was so fucking happy! **(Eh, the 'goff' phase didn't last very long did it? Never does really.) **

Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da **(THE! SERIOUSLY, HOW HARD IS IT TO TYPE T-H-E?!) **pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection **(I'm fine with PDA, frankly I encourage it because it's so nice to see people actually **_**enjoying**_** being in each other's company these days, but that's just nasty.) **but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da **(THE!)** only true ones for eachother. **(Evidently that concept is a one-sided affair.)**

I was wearing **(And off we go again…) **a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched.

"**Êtes-vous vous amuser?"**

**"Pourquoi oui Ebony, je suis bien!"**

We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort **(WHO?!) **and da Death Dealers! **(I wish this was a real band…)**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **(The only logical way to explain this bit is if Enoby was having some sort of vision.)** "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **(STOP LICKING MCR! That's sexual harassment!)**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And this is how you know that if Tara was truly being serious with this fic, she must have been around 12-13. Most people over the age of 15 have absolutely **_**no **_**issues talking about sex, as they happen to be amidst the raging hormones typical of both teenaged males and females. I happen to find sex a fascinating subject, as the societal viewpoints and individual discriminatory behaviour greatly affect the act itself and the way people view it to a massive extent. It's quite interesting.)**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. **(But…you've been shagging all this time before…)**"This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **(Hold on, did Draco just say he'd hire a prostitute?)**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"

**(And this is why I laugh at people who think they're 'OMFG SUPAH SPESHUL' just because they dress in gothic/emo clothing ect. It's a minority of people, but they drag everyone who likes the style down with them. They're not special or original. They're just following a common trend associated with adolescence that they'll likely grow out of in a few years. They **_**ARE **_**'mainstream'. My very best friend loves the gothic/emo style, but she doesn't think of it as anything more than that. A style. It's not a statement, or an expression of the darkness within or whatever people say these days. It's just a fashion choice.)**

***mini rant is over***

"NO." he muttered loudly. **(This sentence is so confusing.)**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. **(How did him offering to hire a prostitute instead of sleeping with Enoby because apparently now she has a problem with sex equate to 'prep' in Tara's mind?)**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da **(THE! FOR SANITY'S SAKE!) **world is black' by GC to me. **(Why?)**

I was flattened **(Oh…I **_**really **_**wish you had been.) **cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **(I know loads of songs that aren't singles. It's hardly a worthy feat of intelligence and dedication.)**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched

**"Ceci est honnêtement devient ridicule."**

**"Je suis d'accord. Peut-être une certaine forme de cours d'anglais langue serait souhaitable que l'auteur."**

4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **(It actually doesn't mean that, but if it did, that would still be totally inappropriate thing to say to someone who's supposed to be a good friend. "How do you do?" is something that should be said when you first meet someone. BAKA!)**

"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **(Oh Tara, you're so mature. How did we ever doubt the utter depth and astuteness of your mind?)**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **(I suppose that one IS kind of a gothic film, if we're talking about the art style and general feel of the film.)**"Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **(Pretty sure nobody dies in The Nightmare Before Christmas. I should know, since it's one of my all-time favourites.)**

"Kawai." **(That's not cute in any way.)** B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **(Energetically lethargically?) **"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **(WHAT?!)**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **(WHAT?!) **

We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **(How?)**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." **(Totally not girly or anything…)**

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY.**(RaNDom CapS aREN't a GoOD thING.)** "Omfg totally lets go shopping." **(Still not girly…totes goff lol! Teehee!)**

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **(Good lord.)**

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **(Oh yeah sure, because Hot Topic is the ONLY place in the world that sells gothic style clothing and how DARE she consider going for a less tacky clothing line. *eye roll* Tara seems to honestly think we agree with her skewwhiff version of reality, and that's what I find so irritating about this fic.)**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **(See Tara, there are OTHER shops in the world besides Hot bloody effing Topic.)**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo ***barely supressed giggles*** or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me. **(If you'd told her about them…why are you asking who told her?)**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. ***ominous thunder sounds in the distance as dark clouds begin to gather* (The Watcher is very angry with you Tara. You keep confusing The Watcher with your strange, contradictory sentences. The Watcher doesn't like that.)**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **(It's actually VERY possible. Tom Hiddleston, Chris Hemsworth, Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, Chris Evans, Kevin Cheng, Mikey He and many others are MUCH more attractive.) **and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **(Then why are you giving them to Enoby?)**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! **(Yeah man. Totally dude. Awesomely radical maaaaan!) **Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing **(NO!)** a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **(Of course he did, he's a salesperson. They say that sort of crap.)**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. **(She's your best friend, so she HAS to be nice to you.)**

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. **(Well, he's sacked for sure.) **Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **(Oh how mature, make up an excuse to write your Sue's full name just so you can draw attention to the fact you replaced 'Raven' with 'Tara'.)**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. **(She can't be **_**this **_**stupid right?)** "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **(Enoby is such an irritating bitch.) **I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him **(Oh but she's 'nut a snob or anyfing'…)**, Hargrid flew in on his black broom **(He flew into the shop…on a broom?) **looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

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**I have nothing even vaguely witty to say here. My brain hurts. **


	17. Dracula's Bellybutton

**Once more, we shall delve into the depths of madness. Hopefully we shall climb out unscathed.**

**Also; Guest. **I'm sorry your last review wasn't published, but for some reason I can't approve it. FF just doesn't respond when I try, and sadly I can't PM you so I'll have to respond here. :( Anyhoo, I don't see how calling a vampire 'half-dead' is a mistake by any means. _(Please be aware that in a different chapter, I did in fact refer to Enoby as undead. I use the two interchangeably.)_ As far as I am aware, vampires can be referred to as either half-dead or members of the undead, depending on the mythology within the universe which is completely up to the author. I have seen several versions of vampires noted as being in a kind of half-death state, meaning that while they do not age, their hair and fingernails continue to grow at a normal rate and will _grow back _if cut. I have also seen versions of them as fully fledged members of the undead, existing somewhat like zombies but without the rotting part, e.g. cutting their hair short would cause it to permanently be that way as it would _not _grow back due to the death part of their immortality. As for the suicide thing, I suppose the sun would be an obvious way to do it for normal mythos, though keep in mind I was referring to the mythology of My Immortal, where vampires can survive out in the sun, have bloodflow, and eat cereal. Not exactly your typical vampire mythology is it? I can only assume that within Tara's universe, the vampires are of the half-dead variety. :D And I refuse to include Twilight as a legitimate version of vampire mythology. Those weren't vampires; they were some wussy babyfied crap passed off under the guise of vampires to get people interested in a series that would have otherwise been ignored by the educated world. I mean..._sparkles?! **SERIOUSLY?** _So yeah, the only logical way for a vampire to commit suicide involves the sun (and even that depends upon the mythology, some have vampires only getting very bad sunburn if they're under the glare of the sun), though Tara has already established that her version of vampires can survive in the sun. Suffice to say, wrist-slitting isn't really a viable option no matter which version of vampires you're thinking of. :D

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Seventeen – Dracula's Bellybutton**

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AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! **(I really wish I could take this quiz…) **pz willo isn't rely a prep. **(Hmm, realising how screwed you are without her eh?)** Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **("Please write my story for me, but I'll still credit myself as the author, even though you basically wrote it all.")**

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **(Yeah, he's definitely sacked.) **He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **(How does being Bi mean you automatically have to be interested in overpriced face paint and tacky 'goff' clothing?)** Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." **(…'fjucking'…I have a new word of the day,) **

Well anyway Willow came. **(I did not need that image, thank you very much. Wait, wasn't willow dead? Nevermind, I forgot that continuity has no meaning in this story.) **Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.** (No she doesn't.)**

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **(Kiss arse.)** She was wearing a short black corset-thingy **(Tara is so descriptive. :3) **with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **(Her boots did that?)** She had a really nice body wif big bobs** (Bobs?)** and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **(So she looked like a hideously skeletal corpse? That's not a very nice thing to say, Tara!)**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily. **(That's not very goffik.)**

"I'm gong with Diabolo." ***commentator is quietly snickering* **she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **(Oh dear. That is most certainly not an image I wanted.)** They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing **(NOBODY CARES!) **a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing ***commentator slams head on laptop*** black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart **(Is that like a supermarket for goffs or something?) **was going 2 da concert wif Dracola.

Dracola used to be called Navel **(I shall call him Dracula's Bellybutton from now on, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.) **but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **(Of course they were…)**They dyed in a car crash. **(Really keeping to the general vampire mythos there Tara. Good job.)** Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. **(All Slytherins are Satanists apparently. I don't really see that happening to be honest. They're much too busy worshiping themselves to add a red dude with goat legs into their hectic schedules of Mirror Time.) **He was wearing ***SLAM* **a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. **(We have established this.)**

Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **(Uh…actually no, I **_**don't **_**get it. Anyone care to explain?) **that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. **(All those are bad anyway, but you'd probably kill yourself if you tried to do all those at once. Well, killing yourself **_**faster **_**than taking them on their own I suppose…)** Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. **(Ironic, isn't it? Tara calls 'preps' stupid when she can't even spell 'those' or 'fucking'.)**

We soon got there….I gapsed. **(Enoby gasps a lot. Does she have asthma?)**

Gerard was da **(T.H.E!) **sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes.** (Pretty sure he has green eyes, Tara…)** He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **(Ethnic? Like Bob Marley?) **We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **(Tell the truth Tara, 'Helena' is the only one you know, isn't it?) **

Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. **(SOMBODY GET THIS GIRL AN INHALER!) **It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man **(Voldy is the LEAST 'preppy' character in HP.)** wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

**(No, you're not going crazy. This **_**has **_**happened before. The only way I can explain this crap is if Enoby is having a vision.)**

"U moronic idiots!" **(I like it.)** he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **(No, you're Vlodemort. It was **_**Voldemort **_**who said that. Dear oh dear, you lot weren't cloned very well were you?)**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **(I guess Russian Voldemort Clone doesn't use wands. He probably thinks they're 'homosexual propaganda' because sometimes fairies have them, fairies are associated with rainbows, and rainbows are BAAAAAAAD because they symbolise equality and equality is BAAAAAAAD. And yes, that **_**is **_**a dig at Russian laws. Fuck you Putin, fuck you hard. I hope the terrorists do something useful for once and blow that bastard out of the sky.)**

***rant over***

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. **(I'm imagining an old due with a pair of smoker's lungs on his head, waving a burnt baguette around.) **He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. **(Um…okay.) **He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away.

It was…DUMBLYDORE!

**(That would have been more effective if she'd spelt it right…and hadn't used it several million times before.)**

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**Well done, you've made it this far. Truth be told, this is only the beginning. **

**Hope you enjoyed.**


	18. I Can't Think of a Title

**TA DA! *strikes overdramatic diva pose* Once again, I am **_**bored**_**. And ill.**

**ENJOY!**

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**My Immortal – A Very English Commentary**

**Chapter Eighteen – I Can't Think of a Title**

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AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING!** *grabs helmet* (I DO WHAT I WANT, THOR!)** if u do den ur a fuken prep! **(I'm a preppy girl, in a preppy world...I don't know the rest of...this bloody so-ong.) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! **(Aw…they made up. Good, now at least this thing will be half-literate.) **ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **(Because only goffik people swear apparently.)**

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. **(I often find myself waking up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it? *yey references*) **I walked out of it and put on **(Here we go again…) **some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly **(I HATE THIS WORD AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY)**. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

**(Ugh…)**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **(Ha…ha….ha?) **Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff **(The broom stuff, I love it.) **was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. **(A boom? I didn't know those things could fly. Think of all the fun I could've had when we did that short film!) **We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)

***CCCRRRAAWWWLLLIIINNGGG IIINN MY SSSKKKIIIINNNN***

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **(Awful colour coordination.) **But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **(Black walls with underwear everywhere? Sounds just like my best friend's room.)** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **(It no longer sounds just like Kelsey's room. She has posters of dragons and TMNT.)**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing ***long sigh* **a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing ***another sigh* **a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs **(My thighs?) **and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. **(AGH! MY BRAIN!) *grabs bleach* **We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **(You have established this several times. We get it.)**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel **(Otherwise known as Dracula's Bellybutton) **was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. **(WHY THESE MENTAL IMAGES, WHY?!)** He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin **(Tan skin? This is Scotland, not Florida. They're lucky if they see sunshine once a year.)** but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **(Poor bunny. That can't be healthy.)**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **(How many Voldy clones ARE there?! I bet the Krang had something to do with this.)**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

**(Five star design. Double thumbs up.)**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

**...**

**...**

**(I'm fine; I just need a few moments to comprehend the utter pretentiousness of that last bit.)**

"BTW you can call me Albert." **(What happened to Albus? Oh no, did the Krang get to Dumbles too?!)** HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes. **(This ISN't tUmBLR!)**

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we **(Bonjour, je n'ai entendu un peu le français?) **to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **(That's not how puns work.) **but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **(Who, Harry?)**

I was so fucking angry. **(When are you NOT?)**

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**YEY! WE MADE IT!**

**This was such a boring chapter. And I'm currently suffering from bad hayfever. Bleh. **


End file.
